We are delighted to introduce our newest staff member, Caleb Johnson! Now some of you may be thinking, didn’t they just introduce him last summer? And you would be correct! Caleb interned with us last summer and it was such a fulfilling experience for him that he decided to join us full time. We are so thankful!

Caleb grew up in a godly family but says, “I only became experientially pro-life after the bloodguilt of supporting an abortion destroyed everything in my life. I became actively pro-life after I was saved and delivered from my guilt.” God healed Caleb and then showed him that he needed to reach others with the truth.

About a year after Caleb was saved, he was struck by stories in the Old Testament in which God warned the people of Israel that they would be held responsible for the innocent blood shed in their land. Caleb couldn’t help but notice the similarities between Israel in the days leading up to that judgment and the current state of our own nation. In ancient Israel, it wasn’t just the directly guilty parties who felt God’s judgment. Ezekiel, Daniel, and others were innocent and yet they were exiled along with all the rest.

This is when Caleb realized he needed to actively fight abortion or there would be some very serious consequences not only for the preborn, but for himself and our country as a whole.

This is not the first time Caleb has fought for his country. He served as an infantryman in the United States Marine Corps for four years, including two combat deployments in Iraq. No stranger to confronting evil, he has now sacrificially committed himself to yet another war here at home.

Caleb started his pro-life activity by ministering outside an abortion center. However, he quickly realized that his success rate was very low. He wanted to find a way to reach people before their hearts were hardened, but sidewalk counseling was the only thing he knew to do. In what Caleb describes as an answer to prayer, his dad told him about CBR. As soon as Caleb heard about the Genocide Awareness Project, he signed up for our mailing list. When we next put out the call for volunteers, he joined up!

Wanting to be sure before quitting his existing job as a personal fitness trainer, Caleb decided to participate in our Summer Internship in 2023. At the end of the summer, he felt God was calling him to full-time work to end abortion. We are so very glad he is with us.

In his new role as Community Outreach Coordinator, Caleb will be training local pro-life leaders to be more effective by using CBR tactics and resources. Welcome aboard, Caleb!

Here is the last in our series on our recent visit to East Tennessee State University. We thoroughly enjoyed our time there. We hope that you have also enjoyed hearing our stories. You can read the first two installments here and here.

Older and wiser. One student observed that the pro-abortion students protesting were “all so young,” but that CBR staff were older and “older people have wisdom.” This appearance of maturity, along with the abortion images themselves, caused several students to break away from the mob and seek dialogue. If being called “old” means we can better expose abortion, then we’ll take it!

More proof that abortion hurts women. A Nigerian mother of three said, “It’s hard to look at the pictures. These kids are selfish. They do not understand.” She told us about when she became pregnant and her father forced her to abort. “I know I am forgiven by God, but I have never forgotten,” she said, “It is a great sadness.”

During our last visit to the U of Tennessee, we were greeted by a dozen women whose tops consisted entirely of small but strategically placed squares of duct tape. We can only imagine how much it hurt to peel those off. OUCH! 

Yes, they were pretty nasty. The level of hate is quite astonishing, but understandable. These children have been taught to hate their country, hate people who don’t agree with them, and, in some cases, even hate their own bodies.   They appear to have learned that lesson well.

Still, we were encouraged by a steady stream of students who stopped and thanked us for being there. Even on campuses that seem completely overcome with darkness, we always seem to find those few who are lights amidst that darkness.

Inspiring faith. Debbie Picarello was stationed near GAP representing Deeper Still, a post-abortion healing ministry and was able to reach many students who desperately needed it.

Julie was 19 when she aborted at 5 weeks.  She was sure God knew she wasn’t “ready.”  But now she is comforted by a little girl in her dreams.  The girl appears to be 3 years old.  Debbie told her many post-abortive women have dreams of their children in heaven.

Julie was not ready to come out of denial, but she did say, “Your faith is inspiring me today.”

Praying for courage to speak. Melody was almost aborted. Her dad took her mother to the clinic for a consultation. But when her mother came back the next day, sidewalk counselors spoke with her and took her across the street to the Hope Resource Center. This was Aug 18, 2000. Now both Melody and her mom are Christ followers. Melody realizes she has a special story to tell and is praying for the courage to tell it.

We must consider the feelings of those who are post-abortive, but also the lives of those who are pre-abortive (and especially their children).

by Jacqueline Hawkins

“I was raped and had an abortion at 14, and these pictures traumatize me,” a young woman at UNC Charlotte told me, with anger in her eyes and an edge to her quiet voice.  She had been standing with a sizable group of angry (but polite) students who did not like our message.  When the group dispersed, she stayed to speak with me.

There was really only one thing I could or wanted to say to her: “I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through and for the loss of your child.”

She wasn’t visibly shocked, but I could tell that she wasn’t expecting my response.  I proceeded to gently tell her that in this whole abortion mess we have to weigh preserving the feelings of those who were touched by abortion in the past with the lives that could and would be saved today and in the future.

In return she told me that she wasn’t sorry or regretted her abortion. “Not every woman regrets her abortion,” she insisted quietly.

Even if that is the case, I told her, the abortion doesn’t make women unpregnant, it makes them mothers of dead children.  Parents who have lost children, whether by abortion or car accident or miscarriage, should have sympathy and condolences for their loss.

Seeing that she was at least somewhat receptive to what I was saying, I gently told her that although people may not regret their abortions early on, that regret could still emerge later on.  Having other children, not being able to have children, or realizing certain landmarks for a dead child (such as birthdays) often sparks deep regret in post-abortive parents.

It is worth every effort to stop abortions, both for the sake of the children and for the sake of the parents.

When she left, she didn’t look happy, but she seemed satisfied with the response I gave her.  Please pray for her and other post-abortive parents.

Jacqueline Hawkins is a CBR Project Director and a regular FAB contributor.

Young women speak with one who is older and wiser.  Thank you for making Debbie’s work possible.

by Jacqueline Hawkins

A UNC Greensboro student walked up to the Deeper Still (DS) post-abortion counseling table.  She told Debbie Picarello that seeing the pictures had “completely undone any healing that I had accomplished until now.”

As Debbie asked probing questions, the young woman said she believed her child would be reincarnated.  She reasoned that because of the abortion, she could now help more people, that she was better off, and so on.

This student wound up sharing her justifications with a small group of like-minded female students who had gathered around.  They were adamant that Debbie’s approval of the pictures was hurting women.  They told Debbie she really didn’t care about them.

But Debbie stood her ground.  She said healing comes through Jesus Christ alone.  In her words, “Acknowledgment that we murdered our children is essential to being forgiven, because that is how God sees what we did.  Our opinions are trumped by His Truth.”  Amid much scorn and scoffing, another female student opened up.

Holding back tears, Jackie said she had been raped by a police officer and had an abortion.  Debbie expressed her deep sorrow for the young woman, and came out from behind the table to speak with her privately.  She asked if she could hug Jackie and the young woman cried even more.  The angry, mocking group of girls became silent.  Debbie took Jackie off to speak privately.

Jackie is a Christian,  Debbie pressed a Deeper Still pamphlet into her hands.  Looking her in the eye, Debbie told the young woman that she believed her child is in heaven and holds absolutely no unforgiveness towards her.  Her baby looks forward to the day when they will be reunited.  The girl allowed Debbie to pray with her.  Afterwards, Debbie encouraged her to get help as soon as possible for the rape and the abortion.  Jackie’s did not have to carry these burdens by herself; she could find healing through Lord Jesus.

Debbie hopes to see her someday at a Deeper Still healing retreat.  Debbie sewed the seeds — and so did you, because your support made this encounter possible — and now we pray for God to bring the fruit.

Jacqueline Hawkins is a CBR Project Director and a regular FAB contributor.

Deeper Still’s Debbie Picarello at UNC Greensboro.

by Debbie Picarello

When I set up the Deeper Still post-abortion counseling table near the Genocide Awareness Project (GAP), students always ask if I am part of GAP.  They are often angry about the abortion photos and don’t want to speak with GAP volunteers.

I always give the long answer, “I am here with Deeper Still, which is a post abortion healing ministry.  We offer free healing retreats for men and women.  Yes, men hurt from abortion too.  And (pointing to the pictures) we are hurting because we have done that to our children.”

I am also repeatedly asked about the pictures angering or upsetting post-abortive women.  I explain how being upset at the pictures is a telltale sign that something is still wrong.  I point out that healing and counseling is a emotional and messy process.  I always encourage hurting people to seek help.  I say to women and men that if the pictures still cause them extreme distress, it’s a sign they still need healing.  When asked if these pictures “trigger” me now, I say they do not.  That is a product of healing.  They are hard to look at, but not triggering.

The Fall 2015 GAP tour was especially evangelistic.  I was repeatedly asked about Deeper Still being Christian.  I say that the only lasting healing from the wounds of abortion come through Jesus Christ alone.  Over and over again, I have shared miraculous stories of healing and deliverance from the Lord Jesus at these campuses.

Are you a post-abortive person who has found healing?  We need you!  Come with us and reach out to students in a way that only you can.

Debbie Picarello is a post-abortion counselor with Deeper Still, an international post-abortion counseling ministry based in Knoxville.

Bill and Jeanette Schultz

by Jacqueline Hawkins

At East Carolina University (ECU), a staff member stared at the first-trimester photos.  Tears streamed from her eyes.  CBR’s husband and wife team, Bill and Jeanette Schultz, reached out to her with comfort.

Twenty years ago, she had two abortions.  She was young and unaware of the life growing inside her.  She had no one to help.  “If only someone had told me the truth,” she said.

After learning about the fate of her children, she felt deep remorse and sorrow.  She sincerely hoped that God would forgive her.  Bill and Jeanette assured her of God’s mercy and forgiveness.  They encouraged her to see her pastor and ask God to forgive her sin and heal her heart.

By the time she left she had a smile on her face.  The burden that she had carried for years was now a little lighter.  She was on the path to confession, forgiveness, and healing.  Isn’t that what the Cross is all about?

Jacqueline Hawkins is a CBR Project Director and a regular FAB contributor.

CBR volunteer Debbie Picarello, who is post-abortive, speaks with a student on campus.

CBR staff and volunteers in Atlanta were holding “Choice” signs at a very busy intersection (near an interstate exit at rush hour).  We reached tens of thousands of motorists with our message!

As we stood on the sidewalk, I was approached by Molly, who asked about our activity.  I explained to her why we display photos of first-trimester abortion victims.  We are used to dealing with every imaginable response, but her’s caught me off guard.  She said, “So, if someone wanted to donate to you guys, how would they go about it?”  (The answer is, “Click right here!”)

I told Molly that our work is based on the work of Martin Luther King, Jr.  Just as American did not reject racism until American saw racism, America will not reject abortion until American sees abortion.

“Which is true!” Molly agreed, “because I’ve had an abortion… I knew it was wrong at the time I had it.  But it wasn’t until I saw this video on the internet called ‘The Silent Scream’ that I realized just how wrong it was.”  As a post-abortive mother, Molly supported our work, and not only with her words.  She made a generous donation as well!

Who knows how many preborn children have been saved from decapitation and dismemberment because we reached their mothers first?  Like Molly, these mothers can easily rationalize this horror, even thought it goes against their maternal instincts.  Seeing victims of abortion can give them the resolve to save their children’s lives.

“What about post-abortive women?” is a common question … and a legitimate concern.  People ask, “How can we do this in a way that is non-condemning?”  It is a question we ask as well.  We answer it by directing hurting people to seek out post-abortion healing ministries like Deeper Still.

Others raise this objection only as a way to suppress the truth.  Their supposed “compassion” serves only to maintain the status quo … death for many and bondage for many more.

“But there are so many other ways to get the pro-life message across that are more positive,” they say.

A post-abortive stranger encouraged us to keep showing these images.

Indeed, there are.  Educating people about prenatal development will save children.  Helping pregnant mothers will save children.  But neither of these activities, as important as they are, will convince millions of Americans that abortion is so evil that it ought to be against the law.

That is our mission, to convince people (like Molly’s former self) that abortion is not just evil, but is so evil that it ought to be against the law.  And because people are so apathetic about our message, we only get about 3 seconds to prove that point.

Abortion is legal because decapitating and dismembering preborn children has been relabeled with an obscure, meaningless word, abortion.  As the main character of “The Giver” aptly states, “We haven’t eliminated murder, we just call it by another name.”

Lincoln Brandenburg is a project director for the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform and a frequent FAB contributor.

Silent No More on campus.  Shirts say, “I regret my abortion: Please ask me about it.” When you come and open yourself up to college students, you can help them in ways the rest of us never can.

Tyler, a young man at Oakland University was angry at us.  His girlfriend had been raped and had an abortion.  He told us that when she saw the GAP display, she was quite upset and unable to do anything but sit in her dorm room and cry.  He wanted me to remove the GAP display, and he wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less.

I probably didn’t handle it correctly.  I’m human, too, so I fumble the ball sometimes.  But in the final analysis, Tyler really didn’t need to hear from me.  He needed to hear from somebody he could listen to.  He needed to from a woman (or man) who could relate to the pain of having aborted a child.  Maybe he needed to hear from you.

We must show the truth, because everyone, including women who have been raped and are pregnant, need to see the truth before it’s too late.  We were too late for this couple, but not for others.

But we also need to show compassion.  If you have experienced abortion, please join our team.  Please go with us, so you can explain to folks like Tyler how God loves us in spite of our sin.  You can explain how God can forgive us and heal us from abortion, just as He can forgive and heal us from any other sin.  You can tell them that you know this is true, because you’ve been there.

One post-abortive rape victim told us, “When you talk, I want to punch you in the face.”  If you are post-abortive yourself, I’m willing to bet you will get a different response.

Every now and then, we hear the claim that some woman saw our abortion pictures and the resulting grief caused her to take her own life.

Dubious Claim

We are skeptical of this claim, to say the least.  First of all, the claimant never has first-hand knowledge of the alleged suicide;  the alleged victim is somebody’s friend’s roommate’s sister’s cousin.  Furthermore, we never read about the alleged suicide in the local paper or campus paper.

We have been using abortion imagery continually for twenty-two years.  The pro-aborts universally hate and fear us as the source of this tactic.  They would destroy us if they could.  If there were the slightest credible evidence of even one suicide whose proximate cause could be linked to our imagery, wouldn’t they have come forth with specific allegations to that effect?  But they never have, because there has never been such an incident.  And even if there were, we will have done all in our power to offer post-abortion women free counseling support and spiritual healing.  We show only compassion for post-abortive women, consistently describing them as abortion’s second victim.

The Larger Context

But of course we can’t dismiss the possibility that a post-abortive woman might take her own life.  It is possible.  But shouldn’t every action be evaluated within the largest possible context?

If we cover up the truth, 1.2 million human beings will be killed, this year and every year from now on.

Mothers of these aborted babies are 6 times more likely to commit suicide (source) and are at greater risk for a wide range of physical complications (source).

Women who have aborted are also at greater risk to abort again (source).  They are, consequently, the women who most need to see the terrible truth, lest they kill again.  Many post-abortive women (and men) have told us they now realize that visualizing what they had done forced them to stop trying to rationalize it.  Only then were they able to confess and repent; only then could they be forgiven and healed.  Healed people don’t commit suicide; hurting people do.

Pro-life parental involvement laws reduce teen suicide rates (source).  Exposing the truth about abortion helps pass this kind of protective legislation.

If a post-abortive woman takes her own life … and we know that too many do … who is at fault?

• Is it the abortion industry, who invaded her body and butchered her child?
• Was it her college professor, who told her that her preborn child was just a blob of tissue?
• Was it her pastor, who knew the truth but covered it up by never showing her pictures of abortion so she would know the truth as well?
• Was it her boyfriend, who threatened her with abandonment if she would not abort their child?
• Was it her parents, who pressured her to abort because they did not want to help raise a grandchild and/or who wanted to avoid embarrassment?
• Was it the political system, which protected the abortion industry from any kind of accountability, so that they could maximize profit at the expense of women and children?
• Was it the education system, which allied itself with Planned Parenthood to tell her that sex on the first date was a good thing if she liked the guy and that having many partners throughout her life was normal?
• Was it the entertainment industry, who taught her boyfriend to believe that he is entitled to sex without responsibility?
• Or was it the pro-lifer who didn’t do enough to warn her of the consequences of abortion, before it was too late?

Historical Note

From WarHistoryOnline.com:

On April 4, 1945, elements of the United States Army’s 89th Infantry Division and the 4th Armored Division captured the Ohrdruf concentration camp outside the town of Gotha in south central Germany.  Although the Americans didn’t know it at the time, Ohrdruf was one of several sub-camps serving the Buchenwald extermination camp, which was close to the city of Weimar several miles north of Gotha.  Ohrdruf was a holding facility for over 11,000 prisoners on their way to the gas chambers and crematoria at Buchenwald.  A few days before the Americans arrived to liberate Ohrdruf, the SS guards had assembled all of the inmates who could walk and marched them off to Buchenwald.  They left in the sub-camp more than a thousand bodies of prisoners who had died of bullet wounds, starvation, abuse, and disease.  The scene was an indescribable horror even to the combat-hardened troops who captured the camp.  Bodies were piled throughout the camp.  There was evidence everywhere of systematic butchery.  Many of the mounds of dead bodies were still smoldering from failed attempts by the departing SS guards to burn them. T he stench was horrible.

…  During the camp inspections with his top commanders Eisenhower said that the atrocities were “beyond the American mind to comprehend.”  He ordered that every citizen of the town of Gotha personally tour the camp and, after having done so, the mayor and his wife went home and hanged themselves.

Was General Eisenhower responsible for these twin suicides?  Should he have covered up the Holocaust to protect the emotional wellbeing of those who were complicit in causing or permitting these crimes against humanity?  Could the Holocaust ever be understood and future genocide averted if the evidence of past genocide is whitewashed and suppressed?

Summary

The pro-aborts are desperate to stop the display of our images and they will use every lie at their disposal to intimidate us into hiding the truth.  Don’t let them get away with it … ever.

Debbie Picarello

If you are a post-abortive woman (or man) willing to share your story, there is no better place to do it than in front of our GAP display.  You can reach more people in one day on campus than in a whole year at your church.  You can reach people who really need you.  And who better than you to warn students of the consequences of “choice?”

Here is an essay from Debbie Picarello, someone just like you who is deeply committed to helping others find healing from their abortions.  Read about her in student newspapers at the U of Central Florida (link here) and the U of South Florida (link here).  In addition to standing with us on campus, she also volunteers with Deeper Still, one of our favorite post-abortion healing ministries.  We pray that God will send us more like her.  Perhaps He will send you!

Hope and Healing on Campus
by Debbie Picarello

I was in college when I had my abortion.  Living without my child and living with the consequences of my “choice,” I have had a deep desire to reach men and women in this age group.  Guttmacher estimates that half of all abortions are performed on women of college age, so the college campus is ground-zero for either preventing abortions or ministering to those already wounded.

My recent mission trip to Florida with the Genocide Awareness Project (GAP) was my most productive to date.  At the GAP displays, I set up a Deeper Still post-abortion healing table a few yards away from the display.  My sign says, “I’ve had an abortion, you can ask me anything.”  At the University of South Florida, I was approached by so many post abortive women and men, I lost count.

Stories from the men and women varied.  Some regretted their decision to abort and wanted information about healing.  Some tried to justify why they don’t yet regret their abortions.  Others were somewhere in between.  It was interesting to hear people share how, over time, it has become harder and harder to justify their “choice,” because it hurts.  They hurt.

Some said that because I had an abortion, I was the only one who could speak authoritatively on the subject.  I know that is not true, because abortion is still takes the life of a pre-born child, whether or not the mother feels regret over it.  Nevertheless, that was the sentiment of a lot of students that stopped by the Deeper Still table. There is great power in testimony, especially the testimony of a healed man or woman.  We can speak with the authority because we have been there, but we can also speak about Jesus, The Healer Himself.

I still find myself missing my twenty-something I aborted so many years ago, wondering what life with her would have been like.  Sharing her story over and over keeps her memory alive.  GAP has been a wonderful opportunity to share not only what abortion does to the pre-born child, but also to show that there is hope and healing in Jesus Christ after abortion.

Anyone can do what I am doing.  Your story matters and there is someone desperate to hear it.  CBR gives GREAT training, and they will teach you ‘how’ to share your story in the context of the whole larger abortion debate.  And men — this is a men’s issue too — your story needs to be heard as well.

Please join us on a short term mission trip to a college campus near  you.  I promise, you will NEVER be the same!  These trips have forever changed me because I have gotten to see first-hand that hearts, minds, AND lives are saved by these outreaches.

Deeper Still volunteers Debbie Picarello and Sandie Sendall speak with students about their abortion experiences at the University of Kentucky.

Deeper Still’s Sandy Sendall and Debbie Picarello minister to abortion-wounded hearts. What a blessing to see them share the love of Messiah Jesus!

A 20-something male student approached the Deeper Still table at the U of Tennessee.  He was ready to share his story.  His girlfriend “at the time” — few relationships survive abortion — decided to abort their child against his wishes.  He offered to support her and the baby fully, but she would not be deterred.

The abortion, the loss of his child, had wounded his heart profoundly.  He took some information on Deeper Still and said he would share it with the mother of his aborted child.  Let us pray for this young couple … that they find healing and forgiveness in our Messiah Jesus.

Denial is the biggest obstacle to healing men and women from abortion.  Until people can understand the sin, they can never repent and heal from it.  Overcoming denial is the first step.  That is why we are so blessed to be partnering with the good people from the Deeper Still post-abortion healing ministry in our on-campus outreaches.

As an example of how this works, please read Judy Townsend’s story.  She saw our photos at a GAP in downtown Knoxville.  Deeper Still was also working nearby, offering hope and healing to any and all who would ask for help.

Deeper Still’s Karen Ellison and Kay Smith at Market Square.

We are thrilled at the work of Deeper Still, a post-abortion healing ministry based here in Knoxville that reaches out to hurting women, not only in Knoxville and East Tennessee, but anywhere in the world.  Post-abortive women from Deeper Still are frequent volunteers at our GAP displays.

I attended Deeper Still’s fundraising dinner last Tuesday night, and one of the speakers was Judy Townsend.  I have known Judy and her husband Jeff for a couple of years.  In fact, Jeff’s company organized our hugely successful event last year that featured Gov. Mike Huckabee as the keynote speaker.

It was our GAP event on Market Square in Downtown Knoxville that captured Jeff’s attention and led him to offer his help in organizing the dinner for us.   Deeper Still had joined us at this GAP event to let hurting women know that healing from abortion is available.

What I didn’t know (until just last Tuesday night) is that this same GAP event captured Judy’s attention and led her to seek healing for her past abortion.  She found this healing through the work of Deeper Still.

Here are her remarks:

I had my abortion in 1985 when I was 19 years old.  I had joined the USAF, and I was just beginning my own independent life.  I had gone back home after my basic training and had become pregnant by the guy I had been seeing just before I entered the air force.  I was completely shocked and scared and couldn’t believe this was actually happening to me.

I didn’t tell anyone except my mother, and she said to me “just have an abortion and it will all be over soon.”  But it would be anything but “over soon.”  I had the abortion in a clinic after one of my shifts.  I remember being so afraid and sick to my stomach.  The details of what happened that day are blurry because I have buried them so deep for over 26 years.

It wasn’t until I attend the Deeper Still retreat that I came to understand why I was so bound by shame, guilt, and self-hatred.  I asked myself,  “How could abortion cause so much pain when society tells me that it’s my choice and it’s all ok?”  Yet, in my heart I knew the truth was that my actions were murderous.

I lived my entire adult life in a shroud of secrecy and shame concerning my abortion.  I denied myself relationship with children, including my own daughter who was born a year later.  I held her at a distance because I didn’t believe I deserved to be her mother.  This caused a great deal of strain in our relationship.  All the while, I kept my secret.  In fact, I buried it so deep, that I was denying to myself that the event even happened.  That’s how strong and deceiving denial can be!  But I trudged on through life and never told anyone.

I accepted the Lord as my Savior on May 31, 2000 and, for the first time in my life, I felt so much joy and comfort.  But still, I could not believe that I was worthy of His love and blessing.  I believed that He forgave me for my abortion, but that He was still very disappointed in me.  I even thought that when I would see Jesus face to face, He would tell me that there was a certain place in heaven reserved for people like me that had had abortions.  I would not allow myself to fully embrace His grace and forgiveness.

I could never bring myself to tell my husband Jeff about my abortion.  Even though he was the one person in my life with whom I was the most intimate, I still felt I could not cross that barrier of shame in order to bring him into my “secret sin.”

In 2008, Jeff began to work for a ministry that helped women facing crisis pregnancies.  I would cringe inside and shake every time I was in earshot of any of the conversations about abortion.  I would say things like, “I feel so sorry for these poor girls. If only they knew how important life is.”  But then I would feel like a hypocrite for even saying that.

Our move to Knoxville seemed to coincide with the Lord’s timing for me to finally deal with my abortion.  One day, while we were walking around Market Square, we came upon a display that showed images of aborted babies along with images of other forms of holocaust.

I was confronted with these awful images starring me in the face.  I was mad, angry and disgusted.  I couldn’t even let myself look at them.  On the other hand, my husband wanted to take a closer look and talk to the people displaying them.  We obviously were looking at them from very different vantage points.

The Lord used that experience to surface the things that I would never have allowed myself to face on my own.  But He also didn’t just leave me there in my silent torment.

It was shortly after that when Jeff and I met Karen Ellison and some of the Deeper Still ladies.  As they shared with us about Deeper Still, I remember instantly feeling like I would love this ministry.  I already loved these ladies.

In the weeks that followed, some other painful things surfaced that rattled my cage enough to make me finally e-mail Karen, tell her my story, and ask her if I could come to one of the Deeper Still retreats.  She of course said, “Yes, you must come!”

I had 7 more months before the retreat would be here and the Lord used that time to prepare my heart in so many ways.  But the enemy also worked overtime during those months to try to discourage me and talk me out of it.

I also knew that it was time to tell my husband my story, and when I did, he was so full of grace and compassion for me and he wholeheartedly blessed me to go on this retreat.

The week before the retreat, I asked Karen if I could possibly just attend one day of the retreat and leave early on Sunday morning.  But she encouraged me to attend the entire retreat.  I thought to myself, “Uh, oh.  This isn’t going to be a superficial meeting with ‘church women’.”  I knew deep inside that this was going to be important and I was scared to death.

Somehow the Lord guided me there.  I remember telling myself, “I’ll just drive into the parking lot and check things out; if it looks scary then I can just leave.”  I parked the car and the next thing I knew, this beautiful, blonde, bubbly, smiling woman came toward me.  I thought “Oh, no!  Here she comes!  I can’t leave now.”  That was Jenna Collins.  She was so kind as she greeted me and she made me feel so welcomed.  I knew there was no turning back now and I am forever grateful.  Almost immediately, I found myself weeping and weeping.  I looked around and I discovered that was that I was not the only one crying.  We all were.

The Deeper Still team was a conduit of the love of Christ for me that weekend.  I had an encounter that I will never forget.  My self-imposed walls of separation were abolished and I found myself seeing and accepting the true love of Jesus.  I understood so much more fully the enormity of His sacrifice for me.  I understood that my abortion was a violent sinful act, but that Jesus was bigger than my sin.  His sacrifice covered it all and my debt was PAID IN FULL!

I am now walking in freedom that I never thought possible and I’m ready to walk out the destiny that He has ordained for me.  Praise His Name!

Nicole Cooley is Silent No More on the steps of the US Supreme Court. See video below.

Nicole Cooley testified about her story of rape and abortion on the steps of the US Supreme Court building at the 2012 March for Life.  Nicole is the Virginia Project Director for the Center for Bio-Ethical Reform (CBR).

A video of Nicole’s remarks is shown below.  Here is the text:

I am here today because I deeply regret the abortion I had four weeks after being raped.  There is no good reason to have an abortion.  All the logical reasons fail to keep your heart from breaking when it’s over.

If, like me, you were raped, and you think you can’t bear nine months of pregnancy, I can tell you from experience the seventeen years of regret have been worse.  I realized too late that my baby was a gift from a loving God who wanted to give me a purpose for my pain.

I want women facing this decision to know you can carry to term; you can choose the adoptive parents, and set your own terms, if you wish.  You can live without the tears, the regret, and the nights of despair – or worse.

The abortion clinic I went to provided no verbal counseling and instead gave me a handful of papers with words I couldn’t read through my tears and shaking.  The anesthesiologist told me, “It will be over soon.”  She was wrong.   The abortion was the beginning of the real nightmare for me.

I had no idea how the abortion would affect me.  The abortion made healing from the rape infinitely more difficult by compounding the trauma.  Before the abortion I cried daily.  Afterwards, I shut down emotionally.

The rape and abortion made my life a living hell.  I had nightmares beginning the night of the rape.  Countless nights, I have woken up crying.  The anguished tears I have cried are unlike any other despair I’ve ever experienced, including the death of close family members.

The rape and abortion crushed my spirit.  Abortion robbed me not only of my joy, but also the essence of who I am by making me turn against my own child.

Since the rape and abortion, it has been very difficult for me to trust men.  I am only married today because God sent me an incredibly gentle and patient man.  I have difficulty trusting doctors.  Annual exams are often stressful and painful.  The subsequent births of my sons and daughter with my husband have been very difficult because of an unnatural fear of pregnancy and childbirth.

Abortion is not the answer for rape.  It never was.  But God is the answer for the pain.  My faith in Jesus Christ has not only healed me, but given me the courage to speak out and provided a purpose to all that I have suffered.  This is why I choose to be Silent No More!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0qtwb1e4E0

Nicole Cooley

CBR Virginia Director Nicole Cooley is a frequent speaker on the subject of abortion and rape.  She can tell you from her own experience that abortion does not help the victim of rape, it only compounds the trauma from one act of violence with another.

Nicole asks  you to pray for “Kathy,” another victim of rape who was deceived into having an abortion.  Working undercover for the police, Kathy was brutally gang-raped.  Later, after recovering from her extensive injuries in the hospital, she discovered she was also pregnant.  She aborted at 7 weeks, which, according to Kathy, “made everything so much worse.”   She told Nicole, “I am no better than the thugs I tried to put in jail.”  The combination of traumas created a cocktail of deadly emotions.  Like Nicole, Kathy has learned the hard way that abortion doesn’t help rape victims.  Instead it makes healing from both traumas infinitely more difficult.

Kathy was recently admitted to the hospital, where she is in critical condition because she staved herself down to 65 pounds, hoping to kill herself.  She has damaged her heart and kidneys but the doctors are working now to treat her.  In fact, she has already gained 5 pounds, which is good news.

Please pray for Kathy and other post-abortive women who desperately need healing from their abortion traumas.  Post-abortion trauma is real.  And avoidable.   Please help us educate more women (and men) so others can avoid the trauma of abortion in the first place.  Your gift will save women like Kathy.

Please pray for Kathy’s medical team and for Nicole, as she ministers to Kathy’s spirit.